One of my challenges in my personal life is dealing with reactivity. Over the last many months I have been using an app called Calm, because I believe learning to meditate and making it a daily practice will help me with this challenge. In fact, one of the series is by a guy named Jeff Warren who is all about something called Equanimity – in other words, being non-reactive.
I have to tell you .. I’m frustrated (the irony!). I’m frustrated because equanimity does not come easy for me. I can be impatient, intolerant even, in my personal relationships. I react too quickly, I take offence… and I don’t like who I am when I am like that. I want to be at ease. I want to be calm. I want to use better judgement which comes from being patient, thinking before speaking out. I want to learn to be responsive rather than reactive. So I am working (really hard!) on developing this thing called equanimity.
The dictionary defines equanimity “as mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation”. Jeff Warren describes it as “inner smoothness”. I describe it as impossible. Maybe therein lies the problem. My tenacious belief that it’s impossible to develop this inside myself.
In the gym, working with my trainer.. I often get frustrated because I seem to have challenges with my balance. Even there – I tend to react to it .. getting frustrated, huffing and puffing. Today my trainer said if you would just be at ease with it .. not be reactive to it .. you wouldn’t struggle so much. I deeply believe this is correct… but I don’t know how to flip the switch from impatient to non-reactive. I don’t. But boy, I want to.
This short post is not one full of answers. I decided to share a struggle in the hopes that doing so will bring some enlightenment on the issue to me.
For now, I will continue on my journey of trying to figure this out. It’s tough showing up for meditation everyday. I don’t want to have to “work” at something like being equanimous … what the hell (see!!!). But I will. I will because I believe I will be free of something that takes away my energy for better things.