Intent... intent can be
understood as the motive, not necessarily conscious, behind our behaviour and
communication. Often times in challenging relationships there appears to be a
tendency towards ascribing intent which may not necessarily
exist.
A common enough complaint
in relationship is that our loved one is ignoring us. It is sometimes easier to
believe that than to come to an understanding that we were never thought of in
the first place. In order for the intent of ignoring me to be there, my partner
needs to be thinking of me, and dismissing me to some extent. In order
for me to be ignored, someone has to be doing the ignoring... that's a
conscious act. Rather than consider you and your needs, I am going to go ahead
and do what I want for myself - that's ignoring. That's different from being so absorbed in my own stuff (suffering?) that I don't think of you at all.
Some partners tend more
than others to take initiative, whether romantically or sexually. Often times, the person who takes less initiative gets labeled with
"not caring". "Not caring" becomes the "intent"
behind the less active stance (less initiative). Its entirely possible that two
people come together who have different "appetites" - and I often see
couples come in to my office, complaining of this. S/he does/doesn't want it as
much/little as I do. This can be challenging but the really unnecessary part
tends to be one person "ascribing intent" to the other's behaviour.
S/he does this because s/he doesn't love me, doesn't care how I feel, or is
ignoring me. The truth of it tends to be that we are just different, that it
doesn't occur to me to want it more, or I just don't want it more, and it
really hasn't got much to do with you at all.
Examples can also be
found in relationships with adult children. I have heard many a parent ascribe
intent to children who have chosen different paths than what the parent wished
for. In their upset with this, I have heard parents say “they do this to hurt/disrespect me”. I haven’t met a whole lot of 20 somethings that walk
around with the wish to hurt or disrespect their parents as a motivating factor
for their behaviour and choices. Quite the opposite is true.
Finally, I’ve worked
with many who have come from families where either parent had significant
mental health issues. When these clients first appear in my office, the
storyline is often “my parent(s) did this to me”. Many of us
had bad things happen to us in our childhood as a direct result of parental
mental illness. However, the part of the story that needs to change is believing
there was intent toward you. And again, the notion of not even making it onto
the conscious radar in a parents mind is exquisitely painful too. Yet there is
something incredibly liberating in understanding that there was no conscious,
malicious act borne against you. That was not the intent. Often times when a
parent rages, it is against themselves, and an expression of their being consumed
with their own pain. Of course how that affects us is important to know and
understand and deal with, but it’s still also important to know that their rage
and suffering was not about you.
It's worth contemplating
what a person's intent might be when we walk away from an exchange feeling
something. Often we make assumptions about intent that are not
necessarily correct and behave, ourselves, in accordance with those incorrect
assumptions. Can you see how we easily lose our focus, centre, and authenticity
in such a state? If you're not sure what is driving your partner’s/kid's
behaviour, ask. If you're not sure why you're not being called, romantically
perused, or included, ask. You may not like the answer but at least you will
have the truth.
